Everlasting Love
by Ryu Reikai-Akuma
Summary: Tezuka might not be able to hold him, kiss him, touch him anymore. But he will always love him. Angst. Tragedy. Perfect Pair.


A/N: You're gonna kill me for this... But my father is going to kill me for breaking my cell phone anyway, so whatever...  
The grammar in this fic is weird. I can't even understand it myself though I've thought of this for so long. I tortured my beta, aniprincess_13 with this fic and it's finally here. It is inspired by Damien Rice's Accidental Baby (link can be found in my LJ page as usual) but I decided not to use the title because, well, it doesn't quite fit the, uh, situation with our boys. Anyway, please enjoy and hold the flames and knives till later!

Disclaimer: I barely own my life! What makes you think that I own the boys and the song?

**Everlasting Love**

_**

* * *

Well I held you like a lover**_

_**Happy hands and your elbow in the appropriate place**_

_**And we ignored our others, happy plans**_

_**For that delicate look upon your face**_

_**Our bodies moved and hardened**_

_**Hurting parts of your garden**_

_**With no room for a pardon**_

_**In a place where no one knows what we have done

* * *

  
**_

They call summer the season of love, a time for romance and all that. It is time when youth seek lovers, a time when they crave for connection that might not last. It is a time for risk taking for they never know if they would only wind up with pain in the end. It is a time to celebrate the beauty that returns from the long winter sleep.

His story, their story began one summer day. Or maybe not. He could barely remember for all he knows they had been a part of each other's lives forever. Time had meant nothing but numbers to them. They had lived in an eternity, a moment that never passed, in a world where there were just the two of them, together. It was a wonderful fantasy in an ugly reality and though they should have known better than to believe it, they did. They had lived in that fantasy, they had made it a reality, they had been there together until the end.

He rather hoped it was a romantic story but it wasn't. He was too practical and they were fighting to be adults who cease to dream. But who were they fooling? They should've known they would fail. Still, he thinks with a smile, what a wonderful failure it was.

It was lust, hormones, there is no way to deny it. He blamed the heat and the sprinklers for it, for their loss of control. But deep inside, they both knew there was no one and nothing to blame. It was only a matter of time that secret glances and brief brushing of hands weren't enough. And that sweltering day, that hour, that minute, that second, had been the moment, their moment. They didn't ask when they rolled around in their soaked clothing in the beautiful garden. He did take a moment of pause to admire and ponder but eager hands and hungry lips stole his thoughts away and all he could think about was how lucky he was to be here, to be with the other, to have the other's body, heart, everything.

It was awkward, painful, but it was the best thing that happened in their lives. As he spooned the other under the glaring heat of the sun, he could think of nothing wrong with wanting this, being here, being with this person. He remembers smiling happily, feeling comfortable despite the wet grass under his naked body and the drying liquid on his stomach.

"Oh, Kunimitsu…" the other had sighed happily and never in his life had he loved his name more than that moment.

"Oh, Shuusuke…" he had sighed back, earning him a playful nudge and a giggle. Then they were silent again, basking in the presence of each other as the world seemed to narrow down to only them. They didn't remember that they would soon have to part. Here was where they belong, together. He kissed the other again then, possessive in his inexperience.

"I have to go." The other had gasped when passion bubbled up between them again. "I can't keep Saeki waiting."

He adored the glazed blue eyes, the flush on fair skin, and the swollen pink lips. He caressed a soft damp cheek and knew then that he would forever worship this person. He would never let him go. "Let him wait."

A look of exasperation crossed the pretty face for a second before being replaced by amusement. A short chuckle later and they were all over each other again. They were slower this time in exploration, delighting both of them over pleasurable little discoveries, finding thrill in learning to keep silence. By the time they were through he remembers them chuckling over the mess they had created in the previously orderly garden but another kiss made them forget.

It was the day everything changed, the way they view each other and the world. They learned to loathe the constantly moving time as it never ceases to tear them apart. They learned the beauty of quietness and darkness. They learned to see the beauty in each other's everything. They learned the beauty that was the world. They learned that the world never waited for them.

_**

* * *

Do you come**_

_**Together ever with him?**_

_**And is he dark enough?**_

_**Enough to see your light?**_

_**And do you brush your teeth before you kiss?**_

_**Do you miss my smell?**_

_**And is he bold enough to take you on?**_

_**Do you feel like you belong?**_

_**And does he drive you wild?**_

_**Or just mildly free?**_

_**What about me?

* * *

  
**_

Fuji is always punctual despite his busy schedule. Even now he is sitting alone in that table, waiting. Tezuka frowns in disapproval for he always picked Fuji up to go to places to escape their family's scrutiny. But he realizes that many things have changed since. The world of adulthood gives little personal time. Everything moves so quickly, sweeping these adults along with it. No longer could they linger to enjoy the moment, everything is done in a rush with nervous calculation of the slipping seconds, then minutes, then hours. They are the victims of time. All of them are.

Perhaps that's why Fuji chose to be a photographer, to immortalize a moment in time. He stops time and shows it to the rest of the world to enjoy. Perhaps that's why the world loves him, because he shows them what they never take time to see or forget to seek. He reminds them of a time when they would stand still and wait and smile for real, happy for being here and now. He reminds them of a time many choose to never return to. A time no one could return to.

But can that person appreciate it? Can he appreciate how much a second is worth, why Fuji chooses the daunting task of immortalization? Can he see how much Fuji struggles to keep a moment from slipping away unnoticed? Fuji's coffee is half finished when he appeared at the corner, smiling apologetically. Tezuka almost wishes that Fuji would get angry but of course he wouldn't. He smiles back patiently and lets the man explain. Tezuka watches as the man steal a brief kiss, remembering a time when he would frown at the taste of spiced coffee in Fuji's lips. It always means another tiring night struggling against the approaching deadline. Fuji always seems so tired at times like this but he never complains. Does he realize what something as simple as this cup of coffee sitting between them means?

Together they had learnt to seek clues in these tiny things. Tezuka knew how Fuji loved to sleep with his face buried on his neck when he was tired. He knew that Fuji's smile would curve sharply when he lost an argument with Tezuka, meaning he was slightly irked. He knew how Fuji would always shift closer to him when they were sitting next to each other after an argument was meant to be an apology. He knew that the twinkling of blue eyes that accompanied the carefree smile meant that he was pleased that he was loved…. Tezuka knew many things about Fuji. Does he know them?

It's almost too much to watch them together like that. Tezuka wants to scream but knows that he wouldn't be heard. He wants to take Fuji away, claim back what was his but knows he must not. Still it hurts! It hurts to not be able to do anything but to watch silently! It hurts to know that he cannot reach Fuji and hold him anymore. It hurts to give him up to Saeki even if many said it's the best for him. It hurts too much to know that it isn't him who makes Fuji smile and laugh. It hurts to know that he is no longer the last one Fuji sees before he sleeps and the first he sees when he wakes up. It hurts to give him up… It hurts to know the one you love doesn't know that you still love him, will always love him, can't stop loving him…

But time never waits. It keeps going despite the pain it might bring. And they were nothing if not the greatest victims of time.

_**

* * *

Well you held me like a lover**_

_**Sweaty hands**_

_**And my foot in the appropriate place**_

_**And we use cushions to cover**_

_**Happy glands**_

_**In the mild issue of our disgrace**_

_**Our minds pressed and guarded**_

_**While our flesh disregarded**_

_**The lack of space for the light-hearted**_

_**In the boom that beats our drum

* * *

  
**_

It was a stormy night when their fantasy got shattered. They tried to prolong it; draw it out, and hoped that time would pity them. But they both knew what was happening. They had seen it coming. They had deluded themselves with happy dreams of a future shared together but reality always came knocking back. They couldn't escape from it no matter how much they hoped they could. They couldn't run away far enough, fast enough. It would always catch them without fail.

Fuji had clung to him tightly, unwilling to let him go. Tezuka couldn't tell if Fuji was crying but he sensed tension in his bare body. Grief and guilt gripped his chest and so he wrapped himself over his lover in an empty reassurance. He wished he could convince him that they would be able to live their dreams, that they could have their fairytale ending. But even Tezuka couldn't convince himself at this point.

The couch they were lying on didn't provide the comfort they needed. Tezuka buried his face in Fuji's damp hair, inhaling the sweet scent that he couldn't have enough of, savoring the softness of his body, being enveloped by his presence, enjoying the little things he had taken for granted. Would he be able to give this up? Would he be able to go on without this? Could he make it without Fuji? Could he give Fuji to someone else? Could he give himself to someone other than Fuji?

The silence was weighing them down, suffocating them. There was no smile that they would usually share in the aftermath of another love confession. There was only the painful realization between them. They wished they didn't understand. They wished they didn't understand this silence that spoke the truth. They wished they could lie, just one more time. But they were too tired to make excuses, to dream the impossible. They pressed closer to each other, sharing the pain that they could not contain on their own.

"You have to go." Fuji finally stated the painful truth. His voice cracked as he spoke and he held Tezuka tighter.

"I don't want to go." Tezuka replied. He watched the storm raging outside the window, hoping it would last forever. Please, he prayed, please give them more time to be together.

The tiny apartment was the place they could dream, love, and pretend that everything would be alright. How many hours had they spent here? How many kisses have they shared here? How many memories have they made here? How much happy smiles and laughter has this place witnessed? How much love have they made here? This was their home, their haven. But the sanctuary could no longer offer protection and they were too tired to run. Tezuka's heart had clenched painfully but he refused to cry. He would show defiance even in the last moment. He would show that he wouldn't break down, that he was stronger than that, that he was the man worthy of Fuji.

"You have to leave." Fuji said sorrowfully. Tezuka could sense that just like him, he was fighting back tears. "We don't have any choice."

Tezuka bit his lip, cursing his bloodline, his cowardice, his inability to refuse. Where was the man who promised happiness to Fuji? Where was the man who swore to protect him? Where was the man who vowed his undying love? Where was that person now? How did he turn into this useless fool? Why did he turn into this coward? Where had he run off to when he was needed the most? Fuji deserved better than this. He deserved a better man. A man Tezuka had been but couldn't return to. Why did he become this way? Why couldn't he make Fuji happy? Why couldn't he choose to make Fuji happy?

"I'm sorry." He choked out finally.

It would be so much easier if Fuji had been angry but his silent grief stabbed Tezuka deeply. The strained sobs made him tremble, undoing the last of his resolve. And he finally admitted defeat, letting a tear fall. Reality had won over dreams. No more running away. No more lying. They must face it. He must face it.

Fuji was right. He had to leave.

_**

* * *

Well I know I make you cry**_

_**And I know sometimes you wanna die**_

_**But do you really feel alive without me?**_

_**If so, be free**_

_**If not, leave him for me**_

_**Before one of us has accidental babies**_

_**For we are in love

* * *

  
**_

He is looking forward to see the lone dark figure in the distance. He waits patiently for there is no point in rushing. Tezuka smiles slightly when he could finally see the lowered face and a bucket of white chrysanthemums. Fuji always insists on bringing flowers even though they know Tezuka was never particularly fond of them. But lately he has grown to like them for they are the only form of romance they may share. It shows how much he still means to Fuji and he grieves to the fact that he can't show his love for him.

A tiny smile spreads on Fuji's face when he stands in front of him. Sadness lingers there and Tezuka wishes that he can wipe them away with kisses like he used to. But he now can only wait as Fuji pushed it away forcefully, replacing it with feigned cheerfulness that Tezuka can easily see through. Guilt gnaws at him as it was he who has introduced that expression to Fuji, it was he who has taught the meaning of endless sorrow, it was he who has dug the bottomless hollow in Fuji's heart.

"Hello, Kunimitsu." He greets him with that fake smile. "I brought you chrysanthemum this time. I don't suppose you like the roses I brought last time. They're too extravagant, weren't they?"

Tezuka watches him put the flowers down, not missing the trembling of fingers. He swallows thickly, nearly overwhelmed by the urge to embrace and comfort Fuji. Oh how he wants -needs to hold that body again, to whisper words of heartfelt truth, to caress the doubts and misery away, to prove that his love for him was for eternity… But he can't and he can only watch helplessly as misery threatened to overwhelm Fuji once more. Why couldn't he make Fuji happy?

"Oishi wanted to come with me but he has an urgent appointment with Eiji." Fuji pauses to smile a small genuine smile. It brings slight ease to Tezuka but it doesn't last long enough to provide the fake comfort that they both desperately need. "But he promised to visit you sometime soon. The old team plans to come sometime this week though so you will have to expect a lot of company. I want to come with them but I have to go with Saeki." The stop is abrupt this time, telling Tezuka that he is struggling with emotion. Tezuka reaches out but stop his hand mid air. He watches as Fuji falls into a crouch before him, his body shaking with tears that can no longer be held at bay. "I'm sorry… I'm sorry…. But I… I miss you… I love you… I still love you…"

The words of comfort he whispers never passes to Fuji, the arms that long to hold can never reach. Tezuka hovers in front of Fuji, looking up to the heaven angrily. Asking for the umpteenth time why things turned up this way, why he couldn't bring happiness to Fuji, why he wasn't allowed to be happy with Fuji. But no answer came. All he could hear was Fuji's sobs and Tezuka hangs his head in desolation, giving up. Time would never look back no matter how much grief burdens them, crushes them into pieces, and tears their souls apart.

But still, Tezuka couldn't stop asking, couldn't stop wishing, if only for Fuji's sake. Why couldn't they be happy? Why weren't they allowed to be happy? Why couldn't he stop making Fuji cry? He would give anything, anything at all that he could give to have a real smile back on Fuji's face. He would do anything to return happiness to him. But what could he offer to bring back joy into Fuji's life? Everything he had has been taken away that day, the day they stopped dreaming, the day happiness was robbed from them, the day time stole Tezuka away.

No, he couldn't stop blaming his parents for asking him to go to _omiai_ when he knew that they knew he had given up his heart to Fuji. Their insistent reminder of family obligation had forced him to abandon happiness. Why wouldn't they let him be happy for once? Couldn't they see that he was happy with Fuji? It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that he had to think of their happiness, put it before his. It wasn't fair that he was denied of joy just because of a responsibility forced upon him. It wasn't fair that he had to hurt Fuji for them.

But it had been his fault. His fault that he couldn't refuse. His fault that he had been so absentminded that day. His fault that he wasn't paying attention to that speeding car. His fault for letting Fuji cry like this for him. His fault for letting him drown in the dark abyss of devastation all alone.

Joy had fled from Fuji's eyes since that day. Tezuka has watched him mourn for him, he has watched as Fuji's tears flow for him endlessly, he has watched as Fuji attempted to end his life. He has watched, helpless, unable to do anything. No matter how loud he screamed, no matter how hard he reached out, no matter how bad he wanted to hold him, he couldn't. He couldn't anymore. And he could only watch as Fuji cried out for him, held himself in the night when he sobbed for his warmth, prayed and begged for a second chance, for him, for another chance for him to be happy… But Tezuka knew that Fuji knew that wishing was, and still is, futile, for everything is too late…

Tezuka crouches beside Fuji, regret, envy and jealousy sparked within when he remembers how Saeki is able to embrace the shaking body, provide warmth and comfort he couldn't anymore. He watches tears stream down Fuji's beautiful face, fingers reaching out, ready to wipe them away but can't for that role has been taken by Saeki. Tezuka is no longer the one to share Fuji's smiles and laughter. He is no longer the one who whisper words of love to Fuji at night. He is no longer the one who kisses away doubt, exhaustion, fear, desperation and misery. He is no longer the one who takes away Fuji's pain.

"I love you… I still love you …"

_**

* * *

Do you come**_

_**Together ever with him?**_

_**Is he dark enough?**_

_**Enough to see your light?**_

_**Do you brush your teeth before you kiss?**_

_**Do you miss my smell?**_

_**And is he bold enough to take you on?**_

_**Do you feel like you belong?**_

_**And does he drive you wild?**_

_**Or just mildly free?

* * *

  
**_

Fuji wipes away his tears and stands up. His skin pales from sorrow but he smiles at the cold grey stone that is Tezuka's final rest. Lightly he traces Tezuka's engraved name on the stone as if trying to recall the feel of Tezuka's skin. Tezuka wishes he could tell him how much he, too, longs for his touch; crave for his loving voice; yearn for his sweet scent… He wants to let Fuji know that he isn't the only one hurting and waiting; that he is here, watching; that he still loves him. But he can't. And the pain of keeping his love from his beloved torments him endlessly with its painful stabs in his broken heart.

"I have to go. Saeki is waiting in the car." Fuji says, smiling sorrowfully. "I'll see you again soon."

Fuji lingers just a second longer before turning away. His steps were slow and heavy, the burden of misery growing heavier with each step. Tezuka wishes he can alleviate it just a little but know he can't. He can only watch, can only observe. He knows he is no longer a part of Fuji's life.

The tiny smile that Fuji gave when he sees Saeki wave from the car eases Tezuka's sadness a little. But he knows misery is far from gone. Another pool of tears threatens to rise in Fuji's eyes and in a moment of selfish hopefulness Tezuka leans close to Fuji's ears to whispers words that he knows would only be a soft gush of wind for him.

_"I love you. I will always do."_

_**

* * *

What about me?**_

_**What about me?

* * *

**_

_**OWARI**_

R&R!! *runs and hides*


End file.
